Emotional Connection

The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. Proverbs 20:5

"So, what are your take aways from our session this week? What will you put into practice?"

I sat there trying to remember the three words I'd been thinking about during our time. They just sort of came to me as we talked for our hour together. Let's see they were...

• demanding
• arrogant
• judgmental
• critical

O yeah, its not any of those words. Those are just my own self-descriptors. It was these three things I wanted to focus on:

Mindfulness. When I'm engaging with my wife and children am I mindful of what they are saying? Or am I more like this? It's all about me. Am I really listening to what they are saying? Do I even care what they are saying or am I so full of my own agenda? My own worries? My own concerns? Being right? Wherever Jesus went he was present with the people he encountered. He heard them. He listened. He cared. Mindfulness if so crucial. The intentionality of my relationships...not in the abstract as in "the relationship"... but in whether I am fully present in the now is so crucial. I want to be mindful. 

"...take every thought captive to obey Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

I remember when I led YFC that one of the four principles of leading small groups was to make that time intentional. I need this with my own wife and kids. I am such a douche! Seriously. The fact I have to remind myself of this makes me sad. 

Emotionally Connected. Really? Writing this one out so that I actually see it makes me sad again. A whole new level of sadness. Do I really have to preach this to myself? Really? 

It's true. I do. 

I realize that I can have entire conversations where I express my opinion. Where I'm intellectually engaged and challenged and yet I have not connected with the person I'm speaking too. I've had an entire conversation where I've been platonic (separating the world of ideas from the world of what is). As if ideas mattered more than real people. Man that is pathetic. Are people nothing more than objects from which to extract data. Should I simply sift through their thoughts and ideas and keep those that are only interesting, discarding the rest as refuse? Doesn't context matter, i.e, the actual human I'm speaking with?

How dare I treat my children like this. My wife. My coworkers. Hell, God himself I treat like this. A neat idea to bang around with my intellect. 

I think this is one of the reasons the gospel is so powerful. Jesus was frickin' nailed to a cross. Bloody flesh smashed open with a nail. Internal organs rearranged as the spear shot through his side. Can you get any more real than that? Isn't this what Jesus wants to give me in my relationships as his disciple? Earthy context? 

I mean, while Jesus was dying on the cross (literally dying) he made sure someone was gonna take care of his momma. He was emotionally connected to her. To her wellbeing. Thinking about what she would need after he was gone.

I'm realizing how far short I fall short of this. The ideas are secondary. They are important. They may even need to be prioritized in terms of providing truth to a situation or conversation. But they are not primary. The person is primary. Jesus didn't come to save people so they could think right. He came to save people so they could live right. Truly live. 

Part of following the Way is to be emotionally connected to others. Living with them.

So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.1 Thessalonians 2:8

Am I willing to give over myself to my wife? My kids? To be really connected?

Open-ended Questions. This is perhaps more practical, but do I ask open-ended questions. You know questions I DON'T have the answer to? Or do I ask questions simply so I can answer...with good advice...correct...direction...Truth?

Bullshit!!! I call bullshit on myself. I need to relearn this art.

Relationships are not to be used. People are not to be foils that I can use to test my intellectual perversities and questions.

Relationships matter so much because God IS relationship in a very real sense. The interaction of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is relational by its nature. The ultimate metaphysics of the universe are grounded in relationship.

The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. Proverbs 20:5

I want to draw out my wife and children for their good. To help them experience Christ themselves. To understand why they are feeling what they feel. To help them take their very heart to the God who loves them.

I say I'm following the Way. That I'm a disciple of Jesus. Oh that I would love others as he did. Mindful, Emotionally Connected, asking Open-ended Questions. Have mercy on me Lord!!!

To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens! Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the LORD our God, till he has mercy upon us. Psalm 123:1-2

The Ends...

"All things else, with regard to worthiness, importance, and excellence, are perfectly as nothing in comparison of him."  

Jonathan Edwards, The End for Which God Created the World

I read these words a few nights ago and my heart was moved. My long dormant passions stirred as I contemplated the meaning and potential power behind these words. I can't help but think of the following phrase from Edwards in thinking through what is most valuable. He used it a few paragraphs earlier in his dissertation:

"Whatsoever is good and valuable in itself, is worthy that God should value it with an ultimate respect."

Edwards' conclusion is that God, himself, is most valuable. That nothing compares to him. But is that my conclusion? Do I value God above all things...beings...people?

Here are just few things that I value more than him:

• reputation
• family
• sleep
• entertainment
• political opinions
• being right
• sex
• comfort

I could go on. Do I value God above all things...beings...people? The answer is obviously no. For anyone who knows me this has been abundantly clear in my life. Especially, over the last few dizzying and disorienting years. 

I have found value in comfort. Appearance (not looks mind you, but appearances of peace and wellness). Put togetherness (what a damnable lie that is). Certainly my own soul has had no shalom in it. Comfort in addiction. Numbness. Comfort in anger. Anger? Yes, anger. Unmitigated rage at the wrongs done to me (actually the whole time I was the one wronging).

I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols.  Isaiah 42:8

And I did try to take God's glory for my own. I stole it, like a child sneaking into their older sibling's room and stealing Halloween candy. How pathetic. In reality, of course, I didn't steal anything. I made my sole object of affection and attention, myself. Guess how that worked out? Yep, about that good.

I compromised my faith, one step at a time. Two steps. One day at a time. Two days. One word at a time. Two words. Until compromise composed all my steps, all my days, all my words. All my life. All my thoughts, words, and deeds. One big mess of compromised bullshit.

Therefore, while the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us fear lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it. For good news came to us just as to them, but the message they heard did not benefit them, because they were not united by faith with those who listened. For we who have believed enter that rest, as he has said, “As I swore in my wrath, ‘They shall not enter my rest,’” although his works were finished from the foundation of the world. For he has somewhere spoken of the seventh day in this way: “And God rested on the seventh day from all his works.” And again in this passage he said, “They shall not enter my rest.” Since therefore it remains for some to enter it, and those who formerly received the good news failed to enter because of disobedience, again he appoints a certain day, “Today,” saying through David so long afterward, in the words already quoted, “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken of another day later on. So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:1-13

At the end of the day it comes down to the question of what will I cherish? What has captured my affections? What, to put it simply, do I love? Or better yet, whom do I love?

I can tell you I have grown sick of loving myself. It has only led to pain and heartache. Questioning and hopelessness. Sleeplessness and sickness. Rebellion and treachery. Betrayal and hypocrisy.

I thank God that tonight he is beautiful and precious to me again. Truly all things are nothing in comparison to him. And in Christ Jesus I see his excellence most clearly.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.Philippians 4:8

I think I will. I'll think about God.